This July I will be celebrating personal freedom. 4 years on my own and more in love with myself than ever before. And I'm tired of watching incredible women who can lift up anyone any hour of the day struggling to bring themselves up and away from crappy relationships. And I'm going to beat all of them. You hear me? Love the fuck up. Yourself.

Everyone has issues. The point is to treat suffering as a signal to solve something, not live in it perpetually.

There are men who will worship you! But you settle for less. Because we all have childhood trauma. Adult trauma. Because you have empathy. Because people heal and change. Go heal yourself. Leave everyone else the fuck alone.

Young blood! 

When I would give

me all away

just to happysize another 

Oh, wisdom! 

How elated I make

myself

I've arrived into my body 

loudly

The excitement for being a

woman 

unleashes laughter, dancing 

Emotions galore, rooms full of

me

A body that births, a mind that 

creates

Can't put a finger on that personality

for it's everywhere

In love, in love, in love

I am

with me

No days are enough

no nights to show you 

the depth that women scoop up

nonstop from places no other can go to

The kids and I did party and go to bed late all 3 days of the weekend, yet I refuse to believe that's the source of my slow grey moving about life today. It's the responsibility dragging me down. How do I make that exciting? I'm the one whispering to everyone that responsibility is freedom, so what's my beef? Maybe I can be motivated by money and food. Yet it feels like the real drive is "nothing". 

Such a Buddhist morning.

I create a bowl of matcha with an intention of sitting down and enjoying slowly, peacefully, dreamingly. And then I remember how much I loathe sitting. Sitting sittING SITTING!


You are your worst enemy, who else?

"Mom!" jolts me out of sleep
with a dozen reasons to fight against
all in my head
I heard my self-soothe:
Relax, let go, guard down
He just wanted to know I'm close


Live crossed wires sparkling at us

I came to Crestone with my heart wide open. After all, this place was a love at first sight! But slowly, over the years, I closed down to an almost unrecognisable me. A few years ago I re-evaluated this process and decided I can't live as a betrayal to myself. Small-town living always adds its own story to one's life, yet, with a bit of discernment, wisdom and new skills I can love all I want.

Open your heart here

Mercer, please find that pistachio orchard around Tularosa Basin. We're going to sit under the trees and listen to the harvest crack open. It's on my dream list. You, the kids and I. August, 3pm.

Sipping my adult beverage this late morning (alcohol-free, of course) I suddenly thought: "What if everything I know is wrong?" 

Fun experiment, eh? Princess, on board! We're sailing!

Oh, this weather! I'm in heaven. I remember being a kid on a summer break home alone: windows wide open, music blasting, summer dresses instead of school uniform, freedom filling all of me. To this day it's the same: spring sunshine bringing a very specific feeling of "everything's possible"; the dance vibes alone make my heart sing. This is home. This is hundred percent me.

Человеку должна остопиздить драма его жизни. Это обязательное условие для его второго рождения.
- Денис Царюк

Kids' spring break has really highlighted how sleep deprived I have been. But why, why didn't it push me into a wildly creative, insane space of delusional making? Is it the responsibility? the killer of everything womanly...

I appreciate everyone dropping by this morning AFTER I put pajamas on. I can't believe I used to be like that: "I made cake, come over for tea!" because now I'm like this: "I might have 3 cakes in here and no one can come over for the next 10 years."

Someone's karma definitely deserves me. We'll find each other.

The characters of my life play... where would I be without you! I'm impressed today.

What to do when my body whispers "I'm tired", a tarot reading flipped "Conserve energy", the astroapp gaslights with "can't run in front of exhaustion"? There's no slowing down today. Grateful for other solo moms who won't let me go down messy & with dark circles.
The large picture is not interested in healthy humans. But that's another story from the 1001 sleepless nights.

My heart just got bloodier and belly almost turned inside out at the thought of my kids driving one day. Even worse, they'll probably learn the skills from me. Where do I get a tank?

 Moments are my spice

Happiness is 100% what you make of it.

I suddenly realized I have a soft spot for numbers.

My kid: "I don't want to get sad and ruin my makeup."
Now that's the level of nervous system control I strive for. It's called emotional modulation. Class over, y'all.

I need to go over the ocean. Stare my people in the face, talk about everything. Get soaked in their ideas, gestures, intonations, food. Go to theater. Go outside at night. Go to someone's dacha. Listen to the guitar. And cry myself empty of all things foreign.

Your chaos 

brought me to so much

sweetness

I came back to myself

Let's laugh about it

one day