Whoever you may be - a phantom of the city, a fog of the valley, a spirit of good intentions, however close you may be to me - as my own thoughts of life&death or as far away as the closest ocean - if you were to plant an idea into my head not so long ago about things "baby", I would have dug it out and handed it right back to you. I would probably have even wrapped it into pretty paper, taped it with a bow, so it could take longer for you to give it again, or more awkward. Yet today I receive packages of baby clothes, research alien concepts of diapers, prepare to exercise my brain with sign language, storm government websites about birth certificates, stare mindlessly at lists of names, I even subjected myself to a doctor ... So maybe now I will learn to flow, to accept, to flex and release, to grow, fall & rise and be happy with all of it. That sounds like a blast! Here's to take off!!!

o, boy

   

      Not that long ago I had a great chance to receive energy work from an amazing woman. After our session she told me that she had balanced my physical body to match the vibrations of my soul, which had put me back into my body, grounded me. She was curious to see if I felt any different or better. I was really taken by surprise and didn't know what to do. Why would anyone put anyone back into their bodies? I already have the pleasure of dragging this physical thing around every day, everywhere I go, through the stickiness of time and perception. I dress it up every day, I clean it and feed it, I stretch it and keep it oiled, and must do my best to keep it alive and working. I am also so attached to the body that I actually think of myself as the physical! When I imagine myself in different places or situations or thoughts, I am always in the body ... And everything around me is hard and solid, and has a physical shape. We build things and make things, and they are all physical. Except maybe for music, which is still made with solid objects. Except maybe for singing, which still comes out of the body. Do we as people know or create anything that is not physical? Maybe thoughts? Even they are slow, even thoughts have forms. Maybe vibrations, maybe ...
     I just want out ... 

 I watch movies, and there are no couples in them with their own vocabulary. They don't seem real - in reality every couple has their own words and nicknames, personalized little piles of adorable mind-things. All those sounds and gestures, built up into a life of togetherness and love for each other. What happens to all those things when a split comes? Do all the emotions and little names puff into clouds and float away into a different galaxy? Do they pack their letters and move on to another couple who's just fallen in love? Or are their torn pieces hanging off the trees outside my window, squeaking in the wind, fading in the sun?

 

 

Tender togetherness

 

   
   I watch movies, and there are no couples in them with their own vocabulary. They don't seem real - in reality every couple has their own words and nicknames, personalized little piles of adorable mind-things. All those sounds and gestures, built up into a life of togetherness and love for each other. What happens to all those things when a split comes? Do all the emotions and little names puff into clouds and float away into a different galaxy? Do they pack their letters and move on to another couple who's just fallen in love? Or are their torn pieces hanging off the trees outside my window, squeaking in the wind, fading in the sun?

Holes & holes

     I suppose we are all holy. No, I meant holly as in full of holes (not evergreens). Full of holes & egos. And we all like to fill 'em holes with stuff, because empty is just so empty. Some drink, some drug themselves, some sing, some dance, you might hurt or paint or all of the above. I am not judging, I'm simply saying it out loud.
     All the pain I've been feeling is tearing me apart; it started at the chest, then moved down, then ripped more in all directions. "I've seen it with my own eyes - out of pain life is born." From inside of me light is shining, just like that - love has been exposed. Somehow pain doesn't hurt anymore, but rips me open, spilling colors into the world, soaking it in love. And what if I come out clean to myself, accept all that is - I can dance away...