Holes & holes

     I suppose we are all holy. No, I meant holly as in full of holes (not evergreens). Full of holes & egos. And we all like to fill 'em holes with stuff, because empty is just so empty. Some drink, some drug themselves, some sing, some dance, you might hurt or paint or all of the above. I am not judging, I'm simply saying it out loud.
     All the pain I've been feeling is tearing me apart; it started at the chest, then moved down, then ripped more in all directions. "I've seen it with my own eyes - out of pain life is born." From inside of me light is shining, just like that - love has been exposed. Somehow pain doesn't hurt anymore, but rips me open, spilling colors into the world, soaking it in love. And what if I come out clean to myself, accept all that is - I can dance away...

Red Shorts

Передо мной такая красота, такой танец, всё кружиться, как снег, заметает нотами - как давно я такого не испытывала!  И я тут, сижу в дурацких красных шортах, потому что платье такое короткое. Пианино и кудрявые струны гитары...

Talking

     I am 31 years old. And just now I am realizing that people can't communicate telepathically. My whole life I've been confused and silent. And everyone around me has been upset. Now I know. 

     How did it happen that we've forgotten? How can we relearn? Is anyone else interested? Or are we stuck in this horrible affair for a while longer?

     Now I try to communicate with words, with letters, with sounds; I try my best to reply to e-mails & texts, and outcries. It's a lot of work, a lot of energy ... now I'm tired ... But I'm aware. Somehow it's empowering at times. Sometimes I'm proud of myself ...

     Yet words can only point to the Truth, but will never be the Truth.

Bloody pinky as a means to enlightement

     Ever since I was little, if I hurt myself I get angry. Toes looking for furniture in the dark or coming back to reality & not noticing the cabinet above the head  - and the time stops. Like droplets of water frozen in mid-air, nothing, for a jiffy, exists. And then a huge wave of anger drowns the world. Why?!
     Anger causes pain, it's true - mental, emotional, physical ... Is it the same vice versa? Are the two connected? And what if I could use that pause in time to get elsewhere? Treat it like a door, like a chance ... to enlightenment.

If a Moose were I

     I can't say I'm very social. I can't stand a neighbor closer that 2 miles to my home, and my dogs are not friendly. I don't reply to text messages unless I'm in a mood to socialize. I don't ever make phone calls ... I run away from human situations.
     But I do like dance parties. And fires. And sharing a smoke, even though I don't like smoking. I like to people-watch & to observe. But please don't come up to me and ask me boring questions about my name, my place of birth and my hobbies. I love spontaneous everything, even people.
     I have to get ready mentally to go into work; unexpected "Can you come in and cover a shift?" turns me into a cussing monster who throws mayo at the walls.
     I despise being fake to people, and I fake it badly.
     I'm just really confused about it all. Please don't like my hair.
     But I love to love. And when I love, you'll feel like there's no one else in the Universe as majestic as you are. One-on-one, you & I - we are the World!